I, like many people, have doubts.
I question just about everything and have been arguably called the most positively, irrevocably stubborn human being to ever grace this beautiful planet.
Don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer in faith...
although I confuse it not with religion.
I read the old testament once.
I butchered it with a highlighter and red ballpoint pen.
Annotating carefully; writing side notes, comments and explanations.
But more significantly, I asked questions....
I touched on the expected- who, what, when, where, how?
but mostly, I asked questions of 'why?'
I hate to say that at times I doubt God, or I doubt his existence.
But I sometimes find that I do.
I continue to search for a means which to organize my beliefs and define my values in a way that religion does for the rest of my community, but even when I cannot find faith in the spiritual world, I am learning to find faith in this world,
in MY world, through seeking.
I look for faith in the tangible, more concrete, things.
In experiences, relationships and in people.
Today though, I had a different experience
I went to the beach to watch the sunset,
and the second I stepped out of my car it started to drizzle.
I'm not sure what came over me,
but I took off running out into the Pacific Ocean, fully clothed, and whispered,
"God is in the rain"
The second the words left my lips to meet the misty air, like magic,
the sky let loose like nothing I've ever seen before.
As if in attempts to quench the thirst of a thousand arid deserts.
I was undeniably speechless.
And after I spent a few moments trying to collectively decide what it was,
...this rare indescribable emotion I was feeling...
I cried...
right along with the rain.
I can have faith in that...
It was funny reading the first part of this post because it was nearly a mirrored image of my thoughts towards religion and fair. I guess a frosted mirror would be the best simile to describe the similarities. For me, and it would seem to be for you as well, it is hard to accept answers to unknown questions. My thought process is so rooted in logic that matters of faith are difficult. I was born Catholic; and I'm literally mean born, I was baptized minutes after being born (but that is another story), and attended private Catholic schools until ASU. Through all that I've become rather knowledgeable in the field of religion and yet I still have difficulty with faith, although most people would say I've had more than enough happen in my life to prove the existence of God. Yet, the conclusion I've come to in regard to religion (not necessarily faith) is that it is a man-made tool which people use as a means of structuring their life around a set a morals. Many people would honestly be lost without their religion, and some it is merely a useful reference from time to time. Religion is simply a means of answering questions which science cannot. This is the reason why Judaism and Christian based religions are able to persist, because they cannot be disproved by science. No matter what you can always say that God was the cause of whatever scientific explanation is discovered to explain a given phenomenon. It's very similar to the idea of destiny, you can always say it exists because it cannot be proven that it doesn't.
ReplyDeleteAs far as faith, I'm not certain I'll ever have a lot of it, at least not in things that cannot be scientifically proven. I have the moral structure I need to live my life so religion, at this point, is not necessary to me. However, like pretty much everyone I'd like to believe that there is something after life so for the time being I classify myself as a hopeful agnostic. Difficulty with faith is just one of those things that goes hand in hand with being an overly analytical individual. It's really cool though that you had the experience you did, moments like that truly are enlightening and humbling.